Historically in my life, imbalance was the norm, noticing and growth were a reaction not a response or forethought to stimulus and my leadership skills were inconsistent at best. Lately, I have been grounded in the moment, balanced overall and aware of my internal changes, thought patterns, indicators of those patterns and therefore I can and have been preventative in healing myself. I have become (or allowed the truth from within that perhaps was always there of,) a consistent and dependable leader.
In all my studies of the mind, I have learned of the paradoxical nature of existence. In the heart of all that is stable, is instability. In that heart of all that rises, is falling. But knowing a theory and experiencing a phenomenon first hand are not the same.
Because I have such a dedicated practice of self awareness rituals like yoga and meditation, I have over the past few years honed the skills to see myself at the moment. In doing so, I have become familiar with my own patterns of self-destructive behavior, and all of them have precursor signals, like the warning rattle of the rattlesnake. I can now hear that rattle and therefore avoid the bite; I can stop the un-doing of all the work I've done and simply see where the tendencies were to un-knowlingly allow for the eventual fall from grace. I am on a path of wellness that involves these self-studies and deeper inner awareness and yet, last night I came face to face with something very unexpected.
Let me preframe it by saying that I have over the past few months received so much external positive feedback in my professional life from my students, mentors and even family and friends. The experience of my own growth has been palpable for me and observable for outsiders. I am in a place of grounded existence right now where I feel a sense of peaceful power and powerful peace. I am Stira Sukah Asanam, in other words, if you refer back to my previous writing on balancing softness and strength, I am exemplifying that right now.
Why is it, then, that last night I came to a place of near panic? I investigated my physical and mental spaces and found pain in my head, nervousness in my thought patterns and a general fear for what is next. I found myself saying that, in effect, what comes up must go down. I am flowing so the ebb must be inevitable. That my old patterns of behavior and mental dis-ease will surely arise. That the uphill trajectory of my professional development will have to plateau or downgrade.
I tried to go to a place of santosa (contentment) for what I have now. Yet underneath, it wasn't that I wanted more. I tried to go to a place of self-soothing, deep belly breathing. I spoke to friends of high moral standing and life experience and poured out the thoughts and fears I had been investigating yesterday.
I saw that, it is true that the old patterns of thought can arise. It is possible that my uphill climb will freeze or level-out. Yet, why worry right now and steal from my own reserves of peace and wellness? It is a choice to engage these fears. It is another choice to see them, investigate them intimately, and then not-identify. I am not the behaviors that I once exhibited. I am she who has been there to observe them. And, one of my favorite analogies for awareness and mind-stuff, like a shy lady who is dancing, the mind will get shy when awareness sees her move. She will change her dance when she is seen. I do not have to behave in the risky or self-indulgent ways of my adolescence and young adulthood. What I do, how I respond to what I notice inside is my choice because I am aware of my awareness, I see that the purusha* sees prakriti** and I will determine by choice if I fall from grace. (My inner conscious awareness* sees the nature of my thoughts**)
In a nutshell, to waste away my peaceful mindspace, the most valuable real estate I can ever possess, is a choice that I am now aware I can make or not. I do not have to continue to worry and fear change, which is inevitable. The beautiful moment I am in will end, that is for sure. It does not mean doom is around the next corner, or that I can not graciously, gracefully and gratefully continue to the next chapter, regardless of how I or anyone else perceives its value. Like in a difficult yoga pose, the grace is sometimes just an attitude and not a physical expression. And in my life, that perfection I realize I was striving toward does not exist, but a beautiful attitude can ease my way from one pose (or chapter of life) to the next and I can articulate each of to the best of my ability and that is all I should ever demand of myself. The vinyasa of life, that is the wise order of life, can be fluid and graceful even in the presence of fear and the imminence of change.
Thanks for reading,
Lara
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