Impermanence

I just took a vacation to paradise on a cruise ship with my best friend I was really looking forward to the trip for downtown to rest and then I expected to get back to normal. I  had been in a routine of teaching yoga, practicing and then spending my free time studying, with friends and with my boyfriend. I figured the vacation would only make the other aspects of my life even better once I got back. I expected the fixtures in my life to remain. But this expectation was what would cause my suffering.

When the cruise ship arrived at Miami at the end of the cruise, I turned my phone back on after 6 days. It was then I found out that Inner Strength Studios had been severely damaged due to a fire in the next building. That is the place I did my teacher training, where my mentors teach, where I practice daily and I teach both adult and children's classes. It is 25-30% of my income and where I find my sense of community. As I turn the phone on and see message after message of, "I'm so sorry about your studio,"and "What will you do now?" I started to feel ill. Then I flew home to be greeted by my boyfriend. Within a few hours, we decided to break up. I had thought he was going to be the man of my life and father of my future children.

I had this feeling of desperation and fear. What now? It was as if the rug had been slipped out from beneath my feet. The rooted and grounded feeling I spent months working toward morphed immediately into ether and air. I saw it in my nervous reactions, pulling my hair our, fidgeting, pacing. My roots were uprooted. If you study yoga or ayurveda, this was the dance of the doshas in full effect and the braiding of the gunas!

It is easy to intellectually understand the concepts of non-attachment and impermanence. It is easy to talk about being okay with what is. We can chat it up all day and say that things will change and that is the only constant. But in the moment of change, I felt the attachment for my studio and relationship. Whether or not I want it to be this way, this is the way things are right now. I am glad to have my practice and my support system. I had people to talk to and techniques to keep me from being up all night or floating away into the sky. Yet, the intrusive thoughts came. I observed them and then chose to shift focus. Over and over again, I'd go from a peaceful moment of feeling my body to fear, sadness, grief and insecurity.

I am aware that whether or not I accept the things that are happening, they are happening. So I am doing what yoga has taught me to do. To observe what is and try not to label good, bad or ugly. I put on my resourceful hat and have began to fill in work and find alternate ways to recoup the money of lost work. I noticed, when teaching my first class after vacation, that leading others and teaching them these lessons helped me tremendously.

I also took the loss as a challenge. I have always said that challenges are stepping stones. So I reached out. I found that other studios where I sub were very sorry to  hear about my studio being down and out and they got me on the schedule. Yesterday I reached out to a new friend. She took me running with her dogs which challenged and moved me. She offered a chance to practice at another studio at a time I am usually teaching. I took a new class in a different environment. The experience was amazing and priceless. I found fleeting peace. I awoke today noting that again my thoughts were worry and sadness about my recent losses.

I am sure there will be a time period that I continue to shift between wellness and worry but I am glad to know I have the techniques and teachers all around me to bring me back to the now and feel that everything really is okay.

Another blessing in my life is that I work with children. Any time I am wrapped up in stress, they melt it away with their love and innocence. For now, I am doing all the things that work for me. In this moment, I am strong and vulnerable. Things will change but inside, I remain who I am at my essence, no matter what. The atman, or inner divinity/deepest aspect of myself will never change. Thanks to yoga and my teachers for instilling me with knowledge and for the experiences which have converted knowldge to wisdom.