How Yoga Has Taught Me To Really Listen

We would all like to think of ourselves as great listeners. But there are few people who fall naturally into this category. I need work on this aspect of self.

Learning to be a better listener is a top priority of mine. I am quite the talker. I love to be center stage and have been known to steal the show.  This is something I used to take pride in, but have found it less charming as I mature. I struggle to truly listen to others and hear them. I have a habit of planning what to say next, rather than hearing who is speaking. Many people do this, whether or not they are conscious of it. And what happens when you're simply waiting your turn to speak? The person talking is not really heard even though you are apparently listening. You might miss what they are telling you or inadvertently have the speaker veer the conversation in different directions in response to the gestures, sounds and interjections you offer when supposedly listening. It's not as if anyone's intention is to go out and pretend to or be only partially listening, but unfortunately, this is the case frequently. How then, can we cultivate a world of better listeners?

I am in a yogic study group at Inner Strength. One morning, when receiving feedback from our partners, we were asked to employ a method of listening that seemed very strange at first. The directions are simple. When the person you are conversing with has the floor, you look in their eyes, no smiling, nodding, noise making, at all! You are to bring your awareness to your mind as it starts trying to control the conversation by planning your next words, and then refocus on what is being said. For me, this was initially very challenging. We are raised to nod and make sounds to show listening. I remember this was part of health education class in middle school. Yet, in reality, our verbal responses and gestures (can) have a powerful way of moving the conversation. Our society has taught us to show we are listening, but in many cases, this demonstration of listening is a facade for being checked out or for wanting to dominate conversation. The  common way of listening is deeply ingrained in (most of) us and to behave differently would require a great deal of self awareness.

When I first listened this new way, I noticed a strong tendency to plan what I wanted to say and an almost need to smile at the speaker. It took focus and energy to stop these habits momentarily. Once achieved, I sat tall with opened eyes and a soft expression. The words flowed from my friends mouth and as she spoke, I heard her. I gave her space to communicate her thoughts. There were several moments when I wanted to interject or add in an aside or comment, but doing so would have changed the path of our conversation, potentially never leading back to a time for her to say what she was expressing. I felt something happen in my mind. I physically experienced a shift. When I wanted to dominate conversation, the front of my brain was active. I could literally feel the frontal cortex in movement. When I employed the listening technique, the back of my skull near the occipital lobe began to tingle. Even as I write this, the tingle returns to that region at the lower region of my skull.


That was my first experience, but I decided to add this technique to my life with more frequency.
The scientist in me wanted to see how other people might experience real listening. When explaining what was required and for what reasons, people had similar responses. They said listening like that would make it appear like you weren't listening and that they hadn't before noticed the desire to plan their next words. Yet, as soon we we began the exercise, every single person noted the tendency to need to nod and gesture, make noises and to plan their next point. They also saw that when looking at the speaker with alert eyes and tall spine, it was apparent to the speaker that you were engaging and listening. All the little things listeners add really aren't necessary in all types of interaction. (let's be honest, in some cases, the regular style of listening is completely appropriate. Imagine being on the phone with someone dead silent on the other end? Semi creepy, no?)

I was taking a walk with my sister after learning about listening versus apparent listening. I realized at some point when she was speaking, I had no idea what she was saying. I had drifted off but was acting as if I knew what she had been talking about. When I realized what had happened, I came clean. Even though I was not doing thetechnique, simply noticing my listening patterns alone has shifted my consciousness.

This weekend, I went to a hookah bar with a dear old friend. I told him about the listening technique and that I'd be employing it for parts of our time together. He was telling me about his future travel plans. I immediately began to steal the conversation and relate by adding in what I am planning. As soon as I noticed this going on, my mind  became quiet and I sat in alert stillness. He spoke and really opened up to me and despite my tendency to want to dominate, I was able to make space for him to actually be heard. After he was done, I asked him about his experience. He said he felt me intently listening and appreciated me for doing so. We connected throughout the whole interaction, both of us agreed.

I am not telling this in hopes that you believe me. I am simply putting my own experience in writing to inspire others to have experiences of their own. Perhaps you can bring your awareness to what happens in your mind when you are listening. If you are inspired, go out and try to really hear what your loved ones are telling you. They will certainly appreciate your efforts. Any who knows, you may just grow as a person...and even beyond your own growth, who else may you educate and positively impact?